RDC Center - Anger is a Resource

Anger is a misunderstood emotion.
Anger can also be a Resource

Many people consider anger to be a bad, shameful or fearful thing because they
have seen it used destructively or they have been
punished and shamed for expressing it.

Anger is actually a normal emotion just like sadness, joy, fear or disgust. It is as natural and normal as excitement. It is meant to be a signal that we need to do something to protect ourselves from a physical or emotional threat. It is not to be confused with behavior, which is the way anger is expressed.

Anger is a feeling.
Behavior is what you do with that feeling.

Like other emotions, anger is an energy state.
Like the energy of fire, anger energy can be used in a
destructive or a constructive way.

A destructive use of anger hurts people emotionally or physically. Destructive forms of anger include ridiculing, controlling, punishing, hitting, sarcasm or getting even.

A constructive use of anger is protecting yourself and your loved ones or your property. Anger gave some mothers the energy to form a group to combat drunk driving. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) puts energy to work in a constructive way. Like fire, anger needs to be controlled and used for a good purpose.

Using anger constructively requires you to become aware of the feeling of anger, figure out what the anger is signaling and use the energy to do something about the problem. Anger can help you stand up for yourself in a clear, firm and assertive way. Defending yourself, your rights, opinions, needs or feelings is a healthy use of anger.

Outward expressions of anger are very obvious:

hitting
shouting or
slamming doors.

Some people hold anger in and never feel it as anger. Anger kept inside can create hormone imbalances that contribute to many disease states including headaches, stomach or heart trouble, spastic colon or muscle spasms. Self-blaming is anger turned against the self. Anger does not have to be used in destructive ways against others or against ourselves.

It is not easy to change old habits, beliefs and fears. It requires a lot of self-awareness, determination and practice. There are wonderful self help books which teach the skills needed to handle anger constructively.

“The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner is written especially for women and gives clear    examples of using anger energy to become assertive.

“Make Anger Your Ally” by Dr. Neil Clarke Warren teaches that anger is always
   based on hurt, fear or frustration.

I add guilt to this list.

It is almost always possible to trace anger back to some combination of those feelings. When you understand what feelings your anger is really about you can communicate it more clearly, giving you a feeling of power. This emotional power and self-awareness lead you to feeling in control of yourself making you less likely to resort to immature behaviors like screaming, hitting or throwing things.

“Letting go of Anger” by Potter-Effron takes you through the process of learning to understand your anger style and clearly explains how to express and use anger in a healthy way.

Anger management often requires counseling if there is a problem with impulse control or if harmful behavior is seriously out of control. If anger is coming from unconscious reactions to traumatic experiences in the past, it almost always requires counseling to resolve the pain that is being acted out. With a little work, anger can be understood, directed constructively and used as a powerful resource.

by Eleanor Buscher, MS, LPC, NCC
A professional counselor in private practice in New York.
She is a frequent workshop leader for the RDC Center.